Archive for May, 2010

Little Messages

Posted in From My Brain on May 27, 2010 by TodaysAddiction

Husb planned a 3 day hiking trip… alone. To think and hopefully gather some insights perhaps.
Day 1. He hikes 7 miles, puts up the tent, gets out his sleeping bag. Exits the tent to find a folded note.
The note is to someone whose name begins with the same letter as husb’s. The rest of the name is illegible due to rain. He opens the note and it says:
“The path to happiness and peace should not be traveled alone”.
He packs up, hikes the 7 miles back out and drives home.


A new twist on an old phrase…

Posted in From My Brain on May 26, 2010 by TodaysAddiction

The words: I don’t care.
On the surface they don’t sound too good… we are taught that it’s not a good thing to ‘not care’.
I’m actually finding that it is a fantastic thing to really be able to say “I don’t care”.
The catch of course is that you have to mean it. You have to “feel” it.
It’s freeing, its without expectations, it’s difficult to disappoint and it is without hurt.
“I don’t care” is not all consuming, neither does it push away… it simply is, it simply allows.
It hangs out in that comfortable middle place that is not without feeling, but it is feeling without the exclamation point(s).
I can “not care” and yet I can have concern. I can visit without taking ownership. I can allow others to be who they are without feeling like I need to change them or change myself.
“I don’t care” gives up control and allows things to simply exist.
It allows me to be an observer and even an actor in this play that is my life without taking it too terribly personal.
I’d like to proudly bring back the phrase “I don’t care” without the apathy that has been traditionally associated with it.
It’s OK to “not care”, to ride that comfortable place in the middle.
Personally, I think the root of many of our problems (suffering) is that we have been trained to believe that we need to care way too much… too deeply. We allow ourselves to care to the point of life being filled with constant disappointment.
I can have concern, I can be positive and make a significant contribution to those around me. My actions can have a profound impact for good, and yet I am capable of doing these things without a great degree of caring (about the outcome, that might not live up to my expectations and leave me feeling let down for my effort).
I learned to equate caring with ownership and a lack of ownership with apathy.
I was taught “all in or all out”.
Today, I do not hold that belief.
For all of the words we use to describe how we feel… “I don’t care” is underutilized in it’s true meaning.

Who knew my life was so cliche`

Posted in From My Brain on May 21, 2010 by TodaysAddiction

Even though I didn’t plan for anything in particular, I do know that this isn’t how I planned it.
It’s all so ordinary, so typical, so surprisingly confusing.
So Husb and I have been having some issues… and are trying to sort them out.
We seem to be landing somewhere between his long standing and untreated depression and my possible mid-life crisis in trying to “find myself”.
I’m certain we can get beyond this if we try… therein lies the question. Do we try?
He says he’d be lost without me, I don’t buy it… he’d be just fine. He’s not happy now and hasn’t been in a long while… if I’m not the solution for his unhappiness… am I the source of it?
Who knows?
I do know we can’t maintain where we are for too long… I just can’t.

It started with husb verbalizing how no one finds him attractive anymore. His complaint make me feel like I’m not enough, it’s not good enough getting those affirmations from me, and I kind of understand that… who doesn’t need some “stranger affirmation” from time to time?.
To prove my theory (I suppose), I start looking and sure enough I find that he’s searching for his lost love on the internet and also some emails between him and a woman he once worked with whom he “was very close to” for a while.
I hate her by the way. She is everything I am not.
She drips with seduction and is very willing to supply it to the lonely and disheartened. She is one of those people who have the natural ability to make a man feel like he is the center of the universe. She is single and the world is her playground… nothing and no one is off-limits.
Along with finding these things came my own insecurities… and of course the explosive confrontation (that I could have handled much better).
After the dust settled, we realized that we are both disconnected from each other, we lead very separate lives from the same home base. Our life out-look is at polar opposites and we have very little in common and nothing at all to talk about.
Enter the marriage counselor.
2 sessions down, hundreds to go.

What I’m trying to figure out is how to be what he needs without losing me.
How to be true to myself without losing him.
How to flip the switch back to where we are friends again who simply enjoy each others company.
Or how to walk away…. I kind of refuse to believe there is a need for that just now, but the question looms anyway.

As for what I want… I have no idea.
I just don’t want *this*, for either of us.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is how cliche` this all is.

Well…. that was fun

Posted in From My Brain on May 21, 2010 by TodaysAddiction

Thanks Os! HNT 5 year anniversary addition was a huge success, it was awesome “see” everyone… old and new!

HNT ~ A night out of retirement…

Posted in From HNT, From My Brain on May 19, 2010 by TodaysAddiction

I love the shower….

it’s where I wash yesterday down the drain
and start today
all fresh and new

If you haven’t been there, check out the 5 year anniversary!

I couldn’t find my first… I’ve switched blogs since then, But here a link to my favorite

and a few pictures of oldies…

Is is even possible…

Posted in From My Brain on May 12, 2010 by TodaysAddiction

I haven’t been around in a while… today I just need a blank page. It’s been a rough few weeks.
The details of how we got here are unimportant, but husb and I are starting marriage counseling tomorrow. I never thought I’d be here.
We are still somewhat sitting on the fence.
Do we try to pull it together or do we move forward separately? I still don’t have the answer.
I have discovered a couple of things though.
In buddhism, we know that you cannot change someone else, we cannot change the world… we can only change our selves and perspective is the vehicle we drive down this road…
Often in close relationships we try to change the other person… we manipulate them, we compromise, we shelter ourselves we hide things and are deceptive in order to “protect” the other… we nurture illusions that we are something more than human and then are disappointed to find that we have married a human as well.
You’ve heard the definition of insanity haven’t you?
To do the same thing again and again while expecting a different result.
I’m tired of being insane.
Every relationship has patterns. Our pattern is to have a problem or irritation. To ignore it and wait silently for it to pass. To distract ourselves and wait for time to do it’s thing.
We’ve realized that we’ve not much in common and we have very different outlooks on life.
Now here we are trying to figure out how to reconcile these differences so that we can both be happy and fulfilled.
I’ve examined my own discontent and tempering that with the knowledge that I cannot change anyone but myself.
What I’m left wondering is, is it possible to have a relationship/marriage and remove the expectations?
Much of my (and I suspect the same is true for him) discontent is that perhaps my expectations are unrealistic.
Is it possible to just enjoy today for what it is without the expectation of forever. I suspect “forever” will last much longer if we can figure out how to rid ourselves from the angst caused by failed expectations.

My Place

Posted in From My Brain on May 7, 2010 by TodaysAddiction

I need a place to vent and this isn’t it. I see an alias blog on the horizon…