Archive for December, 2006

Sale Tomorrow

Posted in From My Brain on December 30, 2006 by TodaysAddiction

…and New Years day to recover…

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Have a safe and happy New Year!!

I read this today…

Posted in From My Brain on December 29, 2006 by TodaysAddiction

“Puzzles with missing pieces get thrown away.”

and it hit me like a ton of bricks… that once sentence sums up what I have poured into thousands of words early in this blog. I adore simple facts.
It’s crazy how 7 words can nail down such a significant part of one’s life.

To the author and the person who sent me there
THANK YOU

Walking

Posted in From My Brain on December 28, 2006 by TodaysAddiction

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Walking. The art of walking, the spirit of walking, the exercise from walking…
transportation, socialization, support for a cause and when needed, even isolation.
All excellent reasons to go for a walk.

Today, I went for the most glorious walk. Generally it clears my mind and feeds my soul. Only when walking can one completely immerse themselves in their environment. The smell of a fall leafs, the feel of crisp fresh air, the sound of birds overhead and rhythmic foot falls below.
While walking I become a working part of nature, my community, and perhaps most important, I become a working part of my inner self.

My desire in the new year (this isn’t a resolution…) is to find that connection
in myself and in the world around me, on it’s most basic level…
even if just for a moment, everyday.

Oh how the mind does wander…

Posted in Family, From My Brain, From My Past on December 26, 2006 by TodaysAddiction

For me, Christmas has always been a time to reflect. A time to take stock, not just of the previous year, but of all things past. I don’t know why I do that, I never plan it that way, but it seems that every year I find some bit of my past to pick apart and then I examine the pieces.

This year, just for a few hours, we had all of the kids together. It has been years since one or the other of them wasn’t off on an adventure somewhere. The last time they were all together, the twins (now 25) were high school seniors.

I am so blessed in the “kid department”. Our three oldest belong to husb and my wife-in-law (Patti). They were raised to be amazing young women, each quite strong in different ways… all successful. From birth, the girls had a wonderful and loving foundation. Through lifes ups and downs, they always remained first… and loved, by all of their parents. I have two children as well. When husb and I married, the seven of us blended quite well and amazingly smoothly into a family unit. All of the kids accepted each other as sibling right away.
My reflection this year is about my son (#4) and the realization that occasionally the thing we view as being our greatest failure can turn into a huge success… leaving one with conflicting feelings of both joy and regret. My son was 11, turning 12 when we married, a difficult enough age without adding the stress of an entire family change. #4 had the most difficult time adjusting. He was used to being “the man of the household” and adding a new Dad and 3 sisters was difficult for him, too many changes to fast for the quiet kid. He tried to go with the flow in beginning, as did everyone. But after a year or so the going got kind of rough for him.
#4 and I have always been extremely close… we had a bond. When the kids were younger, I always felt a bit guilty because he and I were so much closer than his sister (#5) and I were.
About a year after the wedding, #4 began to rebel and my young gentle son became a monster. He had been arrested a couple of times, was using drugs and became impossible to manage. I was devistated and heart broken. I was also exhausted as I had 4 other very good and active teens to take care of… in addition to having a full time job. I wanted to be there for him, I wanted to love him through this, I wanted to believe the things he told me, on those rare instances I could get time to talk.
Eventually a decision had to be made. At the rate he was going, he was headed for prison or an early grave.
After much negotation, I bought a plane ticket and sent him to his father’s house. His father lived in Utah at the time and was attending college. He was also single and an assistant pastor of a community church. In his free time, father had nothing better to do than give his son some much needed one-on-one time. He and his father had never been close… #4 cried and begged to not go, but with much pain, I loaded him on a plane. On the way home, Shawn Mullens sang Lullaby on the radio and I cannot hear that song today without crying.
8 months later, #4 came home, free of drugs and ready to begin to piece together his life. There were strict rules he had to meet to come home… and he was threatenend with being kicked out unless he adhered to them. The #4 who came home however was forever changed from the boy who left. He didn’t trust me to “keep” him, he was angry at husb and sisters, but he complied. I didn’t trust him either. Every police car I saw, I couldn’t help but look in the back to see if #4 had gotten into trouble again. I questioned his every movement. While he stuck with the program, I mourned because we were never again as close as we had been previously. Something broke in our relationship when I sent him away, something that has never quite returned.
The girls (all 4 of them) and I have become very close… almost unnaturally so considering that they are all grown. Sometimes I feel regret that #4 seems to live at the edge of that, even today.

I was quite surprised that he never did return to the life he once had, but I felt I could never let my guard drop either. After he graduated high school and was working full-time, he was pushed out of the nest, probably earlier than he was ready for… but we were ready, always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

This Christmas, I sat looking at the 5 of them together… they interacted with one another as though they had been doing this their entire lives. All happy to be home and together and in one room, even if only for a while.
I spent some time really looking at the man that #4 has become. He is an amazing man. He has been married now for 2 years to a wonderful young lady. He attends college full time and work full time in the summer. He has become everything I ever hoped for in a son. And yet, I still miss the little boy to clung to the backs of my legs when in unfamiliar surroundings, knowing I would protect him from anything that crossed his path.
#4’s teen years have become one of my greatest regrets as I often feel that I could have saved him much of the pain he experienced by doing something differently along the way… occasionally, I wonder if I did the right thing by sacrificing our close bond, to save him. And yet on Christmas day I look at the man and I realize that regret has somehow blossomed into one of my greatest successes… this year, both the regret and the pride have learned to co-exist peacefully in that special part of my heart that is reserved for my son.

Happy Holiday!

Posted in From My Brain on December 23, 2006 by TodaysAddiction

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And Merry Christmas too! 

It’s been a big day

Posted in Family, From My Brain, From My Camera on December 15, 2006 by TodaysAddiction

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Today we celebrated the grandmonster’s 3rd birthday!
This boy is going to be a heartbreaker one day…

The next big news is going to keep me awake for a few months. I know people do this everyday and it’s no big deal. But I never ever have, and I’m a little terrified at the responsibility.
I’m buying a house.
All on my own.
I know it sounds crazy (or morbid) but it’s on my list of things to do (before I die).
Now that the kids are “grown”, we’ve found ourselves in need of some kind of tax deduction and I started looking into buying a house as a rental. I want to continue living where we are currently. Today my loan consultant found a lender for me… which is crazy because my credit isn’t steller and I’m self employed and I am doing it just on my own income and in just my name.
I never ever thought I would be able to buy a house… I just didn’t think it was in the cards for me.
Now I’m looking at a huge debt and I’m the landlord people call when something is broken, and appearently there are laws that say I have to figure out how to fix them… And there is insurance, and taxes and maintanence… and I find I get short of breath just thinking about it…
We are supposed to close Janurary 31st.

Yeah… I’m still playing with it.

Posted in From My Brain on December 15, 2006 by TodaysAddiction

It turns out that most of the headers can be customised now!
I’m digging the dark one.
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