Who knew my life was so cliche`

Even though I didn’t plan for anything in particular, I do know that this isn’t how I planned it.
It’s all so ordinary, so typical, so surprisingly confusing.
So Husb and I have been having some issues… and are trying to sort them out.
We seem to be landing somewhere between his long standing and untreated depression and my possible mid-life crisis in trying to “find myself”.
I’m certain we can get beyond this if we try… therein lies the question. Do we try?
He says he’d be lost without me, I don’t buy it… he’d be just fine. He’s not happy now and hasn’t been in a long while… if I’m not the solution for his unhappiness… am I the source of it?
Who knows?
I do know we can’t maintain where we are for too long… I just can’t.

It started with husb verbalizing how no one finds him attractive anymore. His complaint make me feel like I’m not enough, it’s not good enough getting those affirmations from me, and I kind of understand that… who doesn’t need some “stranger affirmation” from time to time?.
To prove my theory (I suppose), I start looking and sure enough I find that he’s searching for his lost love on the internet and also some emails between him and a woman he once worked with whom he “was very close to” for a while.
I hate her by the way. She is everything I am not.
She drips with seduction and is very willing to supply it to the lonely and disheartened. She is one of those people who have the natural ability to make a man feel like he is the center of the universe. She is single and the world is her playground… nothing and no one is off-limits.
Along with finding these things came my own insecurities… and of course the explosive confrontation (that I could have handled much better).
After the dust settled, we realized that we are both disconnected from each other, we lead very separate lives from the same home base. Our life out-look is at polar opposites and we have very little in common and nothing at all to talk about.
Enter the marriage counselor.
2 sessions down, hundreds to go.

What I’m trying to figure out is how to be what he needs without losing me.
How to be true to myself without losing him.
How to flip the switch back to where we are friends again who simply enjoy each others company.
Or how to walk away…. I kind of refuse to believe there is a need for that just now, but the question looms anyway.

As for what I want… I have no idea.
I just don’t want *this*, for either of us.

I think the thing that pisses me off the most is how cliche` this all is.

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