Here I am, sharing my e-mail with you…

I'm not sure how they found out about my small penis…
"Date: Mon, 01 May 2006 01:20:50 -0400 [05/01/2006 12:20:50 AM CDT]

From: Natalie Bentley

To: addict@myaddictions.com

Subject: Hey There!

Headers: Show All Headers

-Sensattional revolution in medicine! -Enlarge your penis up to 10 cm or up to 4 inches! -It's herbal solution what hasn't side effect, but has 100% guaranted results! -Don't lose your chance and but know without doubts, you will be i`mpressed with results! Click here: http://xiggo.info"

I should be meditating on this…

A "no" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.

-Mahatma Gandhi

(Found on a web page for co-dependency) 

What do I want?

I want to quit, I want to stay and fight, I want to win, I want to beat this, I want to talk, I want it to just go away, I want to sleep, I don't want to miss anything, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want this to work, I want you to stay, I want you back, I want to ignore the problem, I want to work it out, I want to make love, I want to be left alone, I want to be depressed, I want to be happy again, I want to compromise, I want it all, I want to be quiet, I want to be numb, I want to be irresponsible, I want to take charge, I want you to hear me, I want you to be honest, I want to trust you, I want to run away, I want you to take charge, I want you to fix it, I want to be seen, I want to be heard, I want to be important enough to you, I want my illusions back, I want the truth, I want to believe lies, I want everything to be ok, I want…

Tired!

Only a couple of pictures came out because of the lighting… but it was fun. Believe it or not, that was my first strip club! The pole dancers were amazing…

Lenny consulting w/ a dancer:

A tattoo in progress:

Amy doing a nose piercing:

These were the only ones that came out half way decent… As for me? I'm the photographer, not the photographee!

A good time was had by all…

This should give me something else to focus on…

Tomorrow night we are going to a "fetish circus"! If I can, I'll bring back pictures. Stars is a local strip club that we have done some promo's with and they made us an offer we couldn't refuse. They are paying all of our licensing fees ($500) and letting us keep 100% of our profits to pierce and tattoo at the fetish event!

While it's not my personal 'thing', you've got to admit it should be entertaining!

I'm telling ya, everyone should have a "job" like mine, at least for a little while… If nothing else, I'll have some stories for the grandkids one day!

I made a decision

After being in neutral for weeks, I finally picked up the phone and made a call.  I called a councelling center.  Today they cleared my insurance and tomorrow they will be calling me with a date for my first appointment.

It is difficult for me to admit when I am in over my head, but clearly that is the case with this situation.  It is also difficult for me to give up control, and this is not something that I have any control over… That alone makes me feel really uncomfortable.

I'll keep ya posted.   I hope this is the beginning of moving in a positive direction.

Blissfully unaware…

We have all seen them. Those who go through life while paying little attention to the things, people or events around them. It seems they are always smiling, faces unlined from stress or worry. Personally I think the universe takes special care of those who are blissfully unaware. Secretly, I'm a little jealous of them… No cares, no worries, no sense in danger.

These are the people who do not notice when they run a red light, usually while talking on their phone, yet the intersection is vacant of cars or pedestrians. They do not even hesitate because the danger was never perceived. These are the people who pass others on the street and never notice any emotion behind the eyes they make brief contact with. They just seem to float right over the tops of their problems, not even aware that a problem exists.

The blissfully unaware never seem to worry about unpaid bills, worry about accidents, worry about friends or family… they go through life with complete faith that no matter what, things will be OK… There is no looming *what if* in their lives, as though the *what if's* never happen.

In my next life, I want to be blissfully unaware… just to see what it's like.

Nah… Maybe not.

Blog Stats…

I was looking at my blog stats tonight… and since I switched to WordPress, my readership has increased by a whooping 229%… over here!

And now, back to our regular program…

Daughter is showing her friend my collection of Louis Vuitton purses and wallets… my Tiffany stuff, a few rings, they are asking about how much certain items cost. The following conversation ensues:

Daughter: “Mom… You’re pretty superficial.”

Me: “Only on the outside.”

Daughter: Walks off, scratching head.

Silly Girl… I invented that game.

I still know what I know…

I know I've been doing alot of venting lately, I'm sure there is more of that to come in the future as well. I just wanted to take a minute and thank everyone for their comments and e-mails over the last couple of days… Thank you for letting me yell and scream. Thank you for listening.

I'm not used to feeling helpless. I'm not used to being the person who is *not* the one fucking up… it's weird that the shoe is on the other foot. Trust me when I say that being the addict is much more fun than being the, um… I don't even know what I am right now.
Addiction is not new to me, I've lived it here, here, here, here, here, and here. I think it's a life theme going on for me… I keep thinking I'm free of it, but it stalks me. It sneaks back in one form or another the moment I think I have that beast conquered. I've lived every angle of it… as a child, as the person whose life has spun out of control and now as the one watching a loved one.

What truth do I know? I know that everything happens for a reason. I know that life brings challenges because there is a gift with every struggle. I know we seek challenges for the gifts they hold. I do know that there is light at the end of the tunnel but that the tunnel is pretty damn dark sometimes… but in it all is a reason. I keep thinking that if I can find the reason, if I can find the lesson for me in all of this, that I can put it to rest once and for all.